#17

i've missed a few days and broken the rules, but unlike my past,

i'm not going to let that be the reason for giving up completely

on this blog.

i have let go of so many well started projects, classes, courses,

business ideas, fitness programs, etc before this that even i am

bored by a similar response from myself.

why i do it is a curiosity to me. is it self-sabotage? is it pure and

utter laziness? is it due to perfectionism? is it another thing for

me to pull apart and analyse to within an inch of its life thereby

making it a distraction?

i really could go on and on about why i do it, but i am tired

of hearing it. so as i sit and write this post, i am doing it in the

hope of breaking the pattern that has bound me. i am releasing

the need to beat myself up for failing to post and seeing each day

as a new time to recommit.

because (sorry about the bad grammar, but i will not apologise

for the use of lower case everywhere because that is intentional)

it does not matter.

the only thing that seems to matter at all right now to me is

relationship. how well i can be in relationship to those around me

to be precise. being present to whatever is happening and without

agenda or distraction being truly with whoever i am with.

sometimes its easy, sometimes not at all.

whenever i am tired, i know i suck at it. so it is imperative on me to

not be tired or find strategies to handle that so it is no excuse. daily

meditation is where i find my strength. it really is my saviour and i

pay much gratitude to myself for maintaining this practise.

the days since my friend's funeral have me feeling tired and

introspective. i can feel the loss of this person from the world acutely

and can feel the ripples of loss in all the people in his circle. the world

seems a more mutated shade now.

grief is a strange and unwelcome beast even when i understand that

all things are momentary and that grief or love or joy is not even a solid

reality we can hold onto. and so i am doing what the buddhists have

talked about for thousands of years - sitting with my grief and feeling it.

becoming friendly with it. allowing it to be here just as much as i would

with more positive emotions. that way i can experience it without it

becoming suppressed by distractions, only to reappear at some

unannounced time in the future.

my grief right now is my practise. and what i have discovered so far is

that it is very a slow very heavy feeling and it sits in different parts of

my body. it is not located in only one place. there is also another feeling

of numbness. or even the feeling of nothing - like a big space or hole.

and it makes me feel tired. tiredness is the most obvious feature i have

noticed.

and the overriding thought that i repeat is wanting or desiring a different

outcome to what has occurred. i am wishing for a reversal of events. so

it's becoming clear my suffering, my grief is primarily due to non acceptance.

not accepting that my friend has passed.

what good is it to me to think these thoughts?

and if i don't think them will my grief pass?

hmmmmm.

#18

strange strange event and an absolute inundation of the likes never seen before.

riding the bike at dusk was like being rained upon

spiralling into the air atop the trees - i never knew they flew so high

none were in the apartment thankfully to buzz me or bite me or keep me awake at night.

of course these sweet little creatures were in heaven

flying and flitting by so fast my camera couldn't really capture them

and at times they flew so low overhead, such sweet curious creatures

much smaller than our bats in sydney,these little ones are so so cute

that's what the evenings have been like this week - warm, windstill & alive with the energy of the night.

#17

They call it Goldene Herbst (or Golden Autumn) here - we call it an Indian summer. I just call it unexpectedly summery weather - and I am loving it. And it makes for cool crisp foggy mornings which are so moody and get me up out of bed early! Thank you Mother Nature you are just so beautiful.

#16

Found via a friend via "It Starts With Me - Facebook"

Much respect to Ian Kieran who started Clean Up Australia back in 1989 which has now grown to be Clean Up the World.

and this is exactly what the wise and wonderful Ghandi said all those years ago:

“You must be the change you want to see in the world.”. As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world – that is the myth of the atomic age – as in being able to remake ourselves.

If you change yourself you will change your world. If you change how you think then you will change how you feel and what actions you take. And so the world around you will change. Not only because you are now viewing your environment through new lenses of thoughts and emotions but also because the change within can allow you to take action in ways you wouldn’t have – or maybe even have thought about – while stuck in your old thought patterns."
The disposable throwaway mentality that we all seem to have adopted has got to end. Consumerism and over-consumption is totally short-term thinking. Here's to ethical & green consumerism. What was wrong with how our grandmothers went shopping? And DON'T LITTER!

#16

DARK MOON

how could i forget how much this plays havoc with me these days?

Back in the day pre- electricity - all women apparently used to bleed

with the dark moon and party at full moon. WOW can you imagine?

The alpha female of the group would influence all the other women

and their cycles would sync together. You see it sometimes in work

places and shared housing as well these days.

Anyway, for me, and its all about me right now, cos i'm kinda tetchy

and also when i'm out of sorts i suffer narcissism in bigger doses than

normal, i have really come to be very aware of my "cycle" this past year

as it has finally begun to take a shape again since ceasing to menstruate

when i had surgery for cervical cancer.

So i can let myself enjoy this period of introspection and quiet. Allow

myself to miss being super physical because i'm too tired without

feeling like a cop-out. I can allow myself to open to the mystery of being

woman. Listening to the messages that i can only hear when i am still

and present.

#15

funny how autumn has started but it's now warmer and sunnier than it was in summer....i am not complaining.
only taking advantage and appreciating and being outside as much as possible because i know what's coming soon.

#15

                                                    Lukasz Wierzbowski Photography

this is a prettier version of how i'm feeling despite having good sleep.

can't wait for this low level exhaustion type vibe to pass so i can get some work and play done. was just about to do some yoga, despite how tired i was,until a call with my man who told me my voice sounded bad. my voice is my weak spot. it is also my internal guidance system on how i am doing energetically. so i was glad to receive the feedback before i had gone and ignored where i was at.

We really need to learn to listen, EVERY TIME to our body, not some of the time, not almost all the time, but ALL the time. So for now its rest.Gonna go snuggle up on the lounge with my youngest and watch "Flipped" instead!

#14

Autumn has started with a bang! Beautiful warm sunny days, redpinkgolden sunrises & sunsets and the leaves are beginning to turn already.......and I am making plans to come home for summer so it feels more like Spring in my heart I guess.....feeling excited & happy!

#14

Elfin Song by Emma Florence Harrison

Monday aligns with the moon and is where the name derives from. i remembered this connection because all day long i have been thinking about the moon and the role she plays in our lives, especially being a woman.

Long ago in my early 20's, i ditched the oral contraceptive opting for the natural approach to things. i was a zealous new naturopathic student and wanting to save the world from all things artificial.

With the support of my beloved i entered into a realm which had me discovering all sorts of things including looking at my bleeding cycle in a whole new way. On the pill i knew exactly when i was going to bleed. And fully believed this was normal, kinda like textbook really.

And because i had no problems, i must be healthy right, and of course no babies either to disrupt my life.

What i would go on to learn was that my cycle could actually vary in length from month to month and still be totally normal. i learnt how the timing of my birth and the phase of the moon at that time were now inextricably linked - just like our solar time or our birthday. i rediscovered my sense of smell believe it or not and knew when i was fertile not just by the phase of the moon, the date on the calendar but also by the way i felt. Unlike when on the pill, i had a real cycle.

I became a real woman again, with all its parts.

But why did it take me wanting to choose natural contraception to find that out. i think this sort of information should be handed down from mother to daughter just as we learn how to socialise and speak from our nearest.

For instance, the lunar time is another time when a woman is fertile and when a man makes optimum sperm - i didn't learn that in sex ed in high school and i am sure my girls won't find it out from school either.

i'm inspired after seeing a great documentary last night called The Moon Inside You to teach young girls and women about the bodies and ritualise this coming of age time. It is the most natural subject in the world and still unbelievably taboo even if it's just very subtly so.

i have been long wanting to gather a group of my daughters friends and her together to help prepare them with positive stories and demystify menstruation along with showing them how they can harness their goddess power that is inherent with being a woman.

After seeing the film my daughter is now ready for us to do this, so it will be wonderful

to start this kind of journey with my work and with the young maidens in my community.

#13

graffiti: melbourne 2006

Remembering all those brave souls who rebelled for a revolution in their lands and for all those still struggling under oppression.
2011 and The Arab Spring has been a huge reminder that things can change and change quickly when we all unite together.
Wishing for peace and freedom for everyone everywhere Now.

#13

i spent time this morning with the gyuto monks who are resident at the

local school for the next week. i sat in for the morning meditation where

the monks chanted for 30 mins.

Enchanting to say the least.

it was such a joy to sit in group meditation and not be leading the group.

i really must make group meditation part of my weekly practice because

i must remember to fill myself up in that way that group's can provide.

my girls came and joined me after the meditation for a little bit of insight and

making some peace ornaments.

it was an activity for children but they realised how much all the adults wanted

to play so we were all invited to join in.

the monks had us stroking our faces and telling ourselves "we are beautiful!"

and then reminding us to eat well, exercise, look after ourselves, be kind to each other

what a wonderful message for little ones to learn to cherish and honour themselves,

something they can keep practising because it's definitely not something i remember being

comfortable with on that level. i think many of us are not able to deeply love and

appreciate ourselves even as we approach the end of our lives

may we all find that beauty within