#17

i've missed a few days and broken the rules, but unlike my past,

i'm not going to let that be the reason for giving up completely

on this blog.

i have let go of so many well started projects, classes, courses,

business ideas, fitness programs, etc before this that even i am

bored by a similar response from myself.

why i do it is a curiosity to me. is it self-sabotage? is it pure and

utter laziness? is it due to perfectionism? is it another thing for

me to pull apart and analyse to within an inch of its life thereby

making it a distraction?

i really could go on and on about why i do it, but i am tired

of hearing it. so as i sit and write this post, i am doing it in the

hope of breaking the pattern that has bound me. i am releasing

the need to beat myself up for failing to post and seeing each day

as a new time to recommit.

because (sorry about the bad grammar, but i will not apologise

for the use of lower case everywhere because that is intentional)

it does not matter.

the only thing that seems to matter at all right now to me is

relationship. how well i can be in relationship to those around me

to be precise. being present to whatever is happening and without

agenda or distraction being truly with whoever i am with.

sometimes its easy, sometimes not at all.

whenever i am tired, i know i suck at it. so it is imperative on me to

not be tired or find strategies to handle that so it is no excuse. daily

meditation is where i find my strength. it really is my saviour and i

pay much gratitude to myself for maintaining this practise.

the days since my friend's funeral have me feeling tired and

introspective. i can feel the loss of this person from the world acutely

and can feel the ripples of loss in all the people in his circle. the world

seems a more mutated shade now.

grief is a strange and unwelcome beast even when i understand that

all things are momentary and that grief or love or joy is not even a solid

reality we can hold onto. and so i am doing what the buddhists have

talked about for thousands of years - sitting with my grief and feeling it.

becoming friendly with it. allowing it to be here just as much as i would

with more positive emotions. that way i can experience it without it

becoming suppressed by distractions, only to reappear at some

unannounced time in the future.

my grief right now is my practise. and what i have discovered so far is

that it is very a slow very heavy feeling and it sits in different parts of

my body. it is not located in only one place. there is also another feeling

of numbness. or even the feeling of nothing - like a big space or hole.

and it makes me feel tired. tiredness is the most obvious feature i have

noticed.

and the overriding thought that i repeat is wanting or desiring a different

outcome to what has occurred. i am wishing for a reversal of events. so

it's becoming clear my suffering, my grief is primarily due to non acceptance.

not accepting that my friend has passed.

what good is it to me to think these thoughts?

and if i don't think them will my grief pass?

hmmmmm.